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Fiction that fits in a Twitter post.

• How was I to know Lizzie was an axe wielding mass murderer when I asked to see her cleavage?





• Jimmie eagerly followed the path shown on the faded map, found the spot marked with a cross and discovered - the pirates' latrine.





• The only time we met she called me a childish idiot. I used her as a character reference. I'm applying to clown college.





• She knew he loved his Twitter, and this would be a cool status update. But could he just wait until after he said "I do"





• The fiends that kidnapped my bonsai oak have started to send me tiny acorns in the mail.





• Doctor Doolittle discovered why you never get between a mother bear and her cubs - when he tried to stop them arguing about bath time.





• Albert always wanted to live his life full throttle. He just didn't anticipate it ending with squealing brakes.

• The local news anchor is depressed. He took time to actually read the news rather than just read it out. Now he knows just what bad news is.





• "It's no big deal" he told the boss."When I make a mistake no-one dies"."Yes said the boss."But that's not the point.You're an executioner"





• Uncle Al told me he was macarroned on a desert island. He said it was like being marooned, but he spent 6 months eating coconuts.





• During the funeral my phone chirped. People glared. If only I had looked! I’d have seen the text from the soon-to-be-cremated. “Let me out!”





• Haunted by a nagging thought that there was something he was meant to do today, surrounded by family wanting him to wake from the coma.





• "Anything to say before I pass sentence?” “Yes, M’Lud. By paying for bootleg DVDs with counterfeit cash I was merely an agent of karma”





• Martians do exist. They spent millennia perfecting camouflage, anticipating our attempts to invade their privacy. We are lousy neighbours





• Teachers said I'd never amount to anything. Classmates called me puny. Look at me now! In the news. On TV. On the FBI's most wanted list.





• I like the company and love the food. I think I'm having fun. But part of me is dreading the inevitable squabble over the bill.





• She smiled in her sleep. Dreaming that they would be together forever. He smiled through his day. Knowing they would be together forever.





• Through flu’s delirium I finally understand. As far as Mother Nature is concerned, humans are the virus. And she’s looking for the cure.





• He was a prison guard. She was visiting her incarcerated husband. They fell in love instantly and shared three to five great years together.





• The masked man robbed dozens of local banks - all on Thursdays. Apparently this is when the nursing home let him out to visit his family.





• A tiny seed on concrete. Does it even know it could become a tree? Provide food and shelter? The worst thing to waste is potential.





• You lend me your ears and offer me your heart. What I really need, though, is a kidney.





• The reason for the recent sewer backups has been announced. The pipes were clogged with thousands of flushed "Don't litter" leaflets.





• Haven't brushed my teeth for days. Stuffing mustard covered garlic in my mouth. Eating curry. Dentist today. Why shouldn't he suffer too?





• Our first date didn't go well. I wore my lucky cross, ordered the garlic bread.She stared at my neck all the time and had to be home by dawn





• Looking up from the keyboard she saw a blank screen. Nothing she had typed was there. Where do all those typed letters go? To feed the bugs?





• At 45 he started searching for his lost youth. In fast cars, younger women and new hair.He found only emptiness and lost everything-his wife





• The Vampire baker opened oven the door. Another flat cake. Try more flour next time. After all, blood is thicker than water.





• They say the Man On The Moon can see The Great Wall. What does he think? Marvelous Wonder or a scar on the planet's face?





• Every night she drew a heart in the sand. The waves washed it away leaving her heart broken. Her distant lover felt the pull of the tide.





• Peter was obviously having a sympathetic pregnancy. What was unclear was who he was most in sympathy with; his wife or his fiancé.





• Dear diary - he wrote - my Mum insists I fill you out. But I really have nothing to say. My life is filled with empty pages. Past and Future





• My new watch is an indestructible self-winding hunk of shockproof waterproof ultra-titanium. Within a week, though, I'll lose it somewhere.





• Al wondered if the irrational swing in the stock market would be up or down today as he decided whether or not to have butter on his toast.





• He always felt he was the insignificant part between his shadow and his reflection. In reality, though, he filled the void so well.





• "I'm down to my last few pennies" he said as he smoked my last cigarette and ate through my fridge. It was nice of him to let me join him.





• Beachcombing he found short messages in aspirin bottles. Were they stranded in Lilliput?

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