Do you own a home, or the top floor of a block of flats?

Brilliant!

I'm pretty sure you can claim air rights above the home. Even better if you live below a busy flight path.

Here's how it works -
Get a hot air balloon, float above your home and start charging tolls to the planes that fly through your airspace.

Also, if you own the bottom flat, start thinking about mineral rights all the way to the earth's core.

You may even own some dinosaur bones!

Every ten or twenty years folks with shingles on their roofs have to pay people to rip them off and put new ones on. Or they take their lives into their hands and do it themselves.

Why not use Tupperware plastic to pour over roofs instead? it should last a lifetime -a s long as you burp it every few years.

Gravestones are pretty impersonal. A begin and end date, a few brief details about relatives and perhaps a favourite quotation. What a shame after a full, rich life. We can do better. We can make gravestones out of laminated plastic and fuse in artifacts about a person's life. Those war medals, that diploma, the favourite tie. Really make each grave a tribute to toe life well lived.

The most brilliant ideas are the simplest ones. How about we teach our children how to live the modern lifestyle easy? By giving them wee frozen dinners they can heat up in their easyBake ovens. Brilliant!

Or we could extend the idea by making EasyBake Mcrowave ovens - microwaves powered by a light bulb, big enough for a nice meal for teddy.

What if people whose predictions we relied on were given judged by their accuracy, and forced by law to display a 'degree of confidence' score alongside any of their predictions? It would help us know whether to believe the prediction and also lead to much more fun on television and the radio and in papers.

Here's an example news script -

In weather news, Jennifer Thunder (correct 83.4 % of the time) predicts sunny skies with gentle breezes.
Moving on to money matters, Tim Stock (correct 13.5 % of the time) informs us that the markets will go up today. But, as you can see from his rating, you probably shouldn't base your retirement on this prediction.
Now to sports - where Louis BallPlayer (correct 58% of the time)...

Health Pies

Here's a brilliant idea. Since I've been ordered to lower my cholesterol, pies are off the menu. I've also been told that drugs called statins can successfully lower cholesterol. So - and here's the clever part - why not determine exactly what quantity of statins are needed to neutralize the cholesterol in a pie and bake them into the crust!

We can extend this brilliant idea to almost any foods. I look forward to the day when you're attending a carnival and you can order Statin Island Dogs - the  heart healthy alternative to Coney Island hot dogs.

But remember - if it doesn't have a picture of me grinning like an idiot on the packaging then it's not Pritchard Approved for Household Use.

Come on science boffins. Stop working on humdrum renewable energy and fuel efficient cars and help us make a decent pie! We'll all be very thankful.

Thoughtians

Here's a thought. Where do brilliant ideas come from? I have thought long and hard about this, and devised:

The Universal Theory of  Thoughtian Motion

Human brains are marvelous things. They regulate our bodies in all sorts of ways, react to wild animals or office managers rushing towards us with evil intent and, in their most brilliant moments, they act as receptors for Thoughtians.

But, I hear you cry, "What are Thoughtans"?

Thoughtians are, essentially, stray random thought particles that flow through the Universe. They are assumed to be the smallest, indivisible particles of thought (like the first definition of atoms - and look how well that worked out). Each thoughtian can hold a small, basic thought. Examples might help. Here are two:

- the design of a paper clip  -

-I think I'll have kippers for dinner -

Thouhtians are believed to be created by very rare brilliant minds and faulty microwave ovens. Once created, they whiz around the Univers until captured by Thoughtian Receptors in the brains of highly developed species. It;'s not known which species have Thoughtian receptors, but I draw the line at goldfish.

But just as not all thoughtians are equal. They fall into hundreds of different shape patterns. A thoughtian about vascular tectonics is probably larger and more intricate than one about putting parking meters into cities. Add this to the fact that different individuals have different numbers of thougtian receptors and you start to see why one person leaps up in the middle of the night shouting "Wildebeast need love too!"  while their partners slumber peacefully and empty-headedly.

But there's more! Thoughtian receptors also have varying degrees of plasticity. Higher degrees of plasticity allow more types of thoughtian to be captured. Some holes can accommodate both round and square pegs! So, even if a person is endowed with millions of thoughtian receptors, they June still  only be capalbe of capturing simple thoughtians. We all know these people! They have another obvious idea every few seconds.

Finally - are we genetically programmed with the receptors we have, or can we improve? I'm glad you asked. I have also discovered the Vitamin T-complex. This highly complex substance allows one to grow more thoughtians, and also increase the plasticity of existing ones. And I have only found it in chocolate and beer. Now you know why those of you who eat too much chocolate and drink too much beer have such vivid imaginations.

I know your first temptation on reading this will be to praise me as the most brilliant genius this century. I admit this, but will modestly allow that based on my own theory, the thoughts expressed here are simply a result of beer, chocolate, and a faulty microwave oven.

Warning

1. Faulty microwave ovens must be unpowered removed from houses immediately. Don't stand near them. Don't turn them on. Not only are initially formed thoughtians dangerous (think mad scientist) but faulty microwave ovens will cook you from the inside and you don't want that.

2. Don't eat  more chocolate because of this. There's a limit to how much good you can do for your thoughtian receptors and you June risk your health and become fat and / or spotty.

3. Don't increase alcohol intake because of this. Being drunk inhibits thoughtian reception and you June risk your health.

4. Don't believe this theory. It's the gibberish rantings of a deranged mind. It's just meant to be a bit of a laugh.

5. Science boffins - don't bother stealing this theory. Please refer to warning number 4.