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Modern Proverbs
OK, let's face it. Most of the proverbs we use on a daily
basis
could do with a bit of sprucing up. Many of them date back to
the
days of The plague. We don't boil kettles of fish any
more, people.
We use microwaves. But, as always, I'm on your side. I know
how much you like proverbs. How useful they are. So I modernized
them for you.
Here you'll find your favourite old-time proverbs, the reason
they just don't
work and a nice ultra-modern alternative. Use with joy!
Category: Modern Proverbs
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Old Time Proverb |
Like a round peg in square hole |
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Critique |
We can all relate perfectly to this little gem, right? Because most of us work in peg factories as assistant peg fitter's mates. Or we play with little wooden toys passed down to us from Victorian times don't we? This saying (probably not a proverb, but who's counting) has officially had its day. |
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Modern Replacement |
Like an English Literature major at a Star Trek convention. |
|
Old Time Proverb |
Keep your eyes peeled |
|
Critique |
Wrong, wrong, wrong! Are we led to believe that some strange surgical procedure like this can actually improve eyesight? I've heard laser treatment can be pretty effective for bad eyesight but this is just going too far. What were they thinking? |
|
Modern Replacement |
Watch your email constantly, in case Aunt Agatha tags your embarrassing baby pictures on FaceBook |
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Old Time Proverb |
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|
Critique |
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Modern Replacement |
"Make easy money from home by responding to this email" |
|
Old Time Proverb |
Curiosity killed the cat |
|
Critique |
I think we've gone beyond the murder of innocent animals just to make a point! And was it ever recorded just how this unfortunate event occurred? Was the cat surfing Wikipedia when his computer shorted out? How could this possibly happen? It just sounds so implausible. |
|
Modern Replacement |
Don't hack into a government computer unless you like jail time. |
|
Old Time Proverb |
If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen |
|
Critique |
Heat in a kitchen? Where from? Don't we microwave everything these days? And don't kitchens have air conditioning? We don't live in the dark ages, people. We're not baking a hundred-weight of mouldy bread in a coal fired oven the size of Nebraska for all the king's men. |
|
Modern Replacement |
If you hate being flamed, don't post insults in a chat room. Especially one devoted to sewing*. |
*This is a true story. When I was just discovering the Internet, I
found a sewing chat room.
I'm not a sewing aficionado, but I really
wanted to say something.
So I typed "Does anyone here sew?". I got a reply right away.
"just finished a
piece for my niece". Stupidly I replied.
"That's a shame. What piece was
she missing?".
And then the flaming began.
Those folks don't need
needles to pierce you!
| Old Time Proverb | A stitch in time saves nine |
| Critique | Oh yes, because the modern person just loves to go home after a hard day,
pull the old sewing kit out of the drawer and do some light haberdashery
as they watch America's Funniest Clipshow.
Or is this some sort of strange Quantum Mechanics thing? Have we discovered that time is stitched together by quasi-strings now? |
| Modern Replacement | Always buy 3 rounds at the bar when the big game's about to come on because it's going to get busy very soon! |
| Old Time Proverb | Never look a gift horse in the mouth |
| Critique | When's the last time someone gave you a horse? And what would you do with
it if you got one? One thing's for sure - I wouldn't be tempted to go anywhere near its mouth. That's where it keeps those nasty teeth. |
| Modern Replacement | If a radio station phones you at random and offers you free tickets to a concert, don't ask which row they're in and whether they come with popcorn privileges. |
| Old Time Proverb | It's an ill wind that blows no-one any good |
| Critique | Do I even need to spell this one out? An ill wind? What does that even mean? Does it have food poisoning? Maybe the old timers were able to get away with nonsense like this, but we live in more enlightened times. |
| Modern Replacement | It's a particularly nasty virus you got that crashes the whole system at work. Especially if it came from an email promising you can lose those extra pounds without eating less. |
| Old Time Proverb | The early bird catches the worm |
| Critique | And doesn't that sound just lovely. Pass the low sodium sea salt! There's nothing I look forward to more than worms for breakfast. And did they even stop to think about this from the worm's perspective? Doesn't this kind of argue against getting up bright and early and making an early start on grubbing around on the surface if you happen to be a worm. And let's face facts, people. How many of us on the corporate ladder are birds and how many of us are worms? |
| Modern Replacement | The first person on the bus gets the window seat. This is particularly important if you're the driver. |
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hiring me to
write for you on a freelance basis or would like to use
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