Moral Compass

Sir.

I have a complaint about your company's moral compass. I bought the Ethical500 to guide my business dealings. It deemed my entire business immoral. In fact, it tells me that everything I think and do is evil. I have replaced the unit 10 times. They all have the same defect.

Sincerely.
Beelzebub.

Alone

Finally the Space Station is complete. We have supplies up here for ten years. Our mission is six months. Long enough for five humans to be stuck in a tin can!

What's that?

Clouds puffing all over Europe. Mushrooming from the surface. The planet is covered.

Full scale nuclear war.

We watch home disappear forever.

All Clear

When the tornado sirens sounded everyone rushed to the stairwell. They were there for an hour before the all clear. McFoible got trapped with an army of large accountants cracking wise about statistical probabilities and the tax code.

For the first time ever, he was genuinely pleased to get back to work.

A Fashionable Revolution

The Great Revolution was great for everyone else, but a nightmare for fashion designers. When the internment camps were closed, millions of peniless dissidents were released wearing faded and torn old clothes. It set us back decades. So miserable a sight I almost found myself longing for the days of oppression.

Alien Neighbours

The first encounter went poorly. The human said "Hello" and was promptly zapped with a HurtOGun.
Subsequent meetings followed this pattern until one desperate man asked "Why do you kill us? What do you want?"
Alienese speakers would have read the answer in those wiggling tentacles.
"Just quiet down. We're trying to sleep."

Tick Tock

Tick tock. The clocks advanced.

The grandfather clock chimed. The kettle started singing as if in response.

Tick tock. In the crockpot, his dinner simmered gently. His DVD started to record his favourite show.

Tick tock. His recently wound watch kept perfect time.

Only his heart had stopped.

Hints

My wife's hints were never subtle. Last Christmas she gave me a GPS. Delighted, I turned it on. The only pre-loaded map was Nome, Alaska. Then I saw the note that went with it. "For when I tell you to Get Lost".

Like A Fox

I called the talking rabbit Angus because of his Scottish accent.

He told me about burrowing underground and his fear of foxes.
Of eating leaves and fear of foxes.

I shot a fox that night. With his dying breath he whispered, "Don't blame me. Rabbits are tasty."

So I ate Angus. The fox was right.

Waiting For Trains

I told the waiting stranger, "Trains don't stop her any more,"

He looked at me, the sadness of ages in his eyes.

"They do for me", he sighed.

Just then a ghostly whistle came from the tunnel and he raised his flag.

"All aboard!" he called mournfully.

A Cardboard Box

He woke in a small room.

How’d he get there? Was he dead? Kidnapped?

Terrified, he scraped the wall. Cardboard? Slowly he tore a hole to look through. And saw a land littered with boxes.

By night he could wiggle through the hole. Exhausted but free he fell asleep.

He woke in a small room.

Thunderstorm

Of course, when he arrived home, he had to ground his feet.

You guessed it.

Lightning struck - and he was killed. By a falling tree.

My doctor used purging, trepanning and a cold bath to assuage the Puerperal Fever. Then he scraped me with cherry bark, applied the leeches and fed me mercury. When I told my wife what I had endured she said, “I know the Amish doctor is cheap but next time you’re going with Board Certified.”

 

Clumsy

I don’t think much of your friend. So clumsy! Stood on my foot when we danced. Spilled wine on my new trousers. A disaster at Jenga! Those fat fingers knocking the tower down time after time. I was embarrassed for her. 

How did you meet? She saved your life? How? She was your heart surgeon!

Memory Loss

He woke up unable to remember who he was. He panicked briefly but managed to calm himself down. Still nothing. He seemed to be in front of a cave. Perhaps clues to his identity lay within. He went in to investigate.

“Mum!” cried Johnny, “The fishy’s hiding in the cave again!”
 

Hatred Of Snow

How he wished the snow would stop! He hated snow. The inconvenience. The shoveling.

Unknown to him, others felt the same way. His would-be assassins circled in their plane above. Eyes glued to the fuel gauge they grew worried. If this snow continued they would have to turn back and forfeit the contract.
 

Stranded

After being stranded on the island he was constantly cold and hungry but alive. Once he saw people in a jungle clearing. Just before stepping out to greet them he saw the large boiling pot and people in cages. How he ran! That evening they flew away leaving him alone forever – their filming was over.

Of Course

As the course haired doctor developed a course of action his mind was on the golf course. 

Of course the course of drugs was administered as prescribed. The drugs coursed through his patient’s veins over the course of a week. 

In due course the course was the cause of a court case over a corpse.

Pond Rings

Like pond rings our ponderings grow from a single point. Gaining momentum. Spreading out. Quickly followed by others. We make waves. 

Then, like ripples on the water, our musings lose their energy and fade. Leaving calm waters that seem untouched.  

But still we live in hope – trying to leave permanent impressions. Like water carving rocks.

Trained Athlete

He ran all day and all night.
Never short of breath. Never needing to stop.
He ran through mountains, under seas, over rivers.
When he reached the end of the line, he dropped off his load, picked up another and ran back the way he came.
Still faster than the wind.
Still the fastest train.

California Time

We interrupt this broadcast for an important announcement. The Governor of California has declared that California has opted out of International Time Zone conventions. While travelers entering California may adjust their watches backwards, when leaving they may not adjust them forwards. Thus aging baby boomers can remain young by repeatedly crossing the State’s borders.

Punished

They confiscated everything that he had stolen before tossing him into jail. He watched as his childrens' toys were ripped from their hands. They even seized his wife's wedding ring.

All they left him was the diamond encrusted watch that served as a constant reminder of the time with his family he was losing.

Clyde's Story

I stole a kiss and arrested her heart. Thus began a life of criminal romance. She wore another man’s ring but we knew we’d die holding each other’s hands. We were inseparable – robbing, being chased, and dodging bullets together. The danger was thrilling. But waking beside her was what really got my adrenaline pumping.

Bagel Dude

Always late.

Always hungry.

Always a line at the bakery.

As I entered, I smelled him barge past.

Saw his hand slide through greasy hair.

Heard his last puff before his cigarette hit my shoe.

Felt his skateboard scrape my shin.

I could almost taste his derision.

Now, behind the counter, he sullenly hollered ‘Next’.

Lazy

She was afraid of spiders, and sent her sons to kill them.

Not all of them came back.

She was always hungry, and sent her sons for food.

Some did not return.

She hadn't got out of bed for a year so her daughters raised their sisters.

It was quite the life being Queen Ant.

A Roof Over My Head

My mood is as foul as the weather. Both  keep worsening.

 Lightning taunts me. Thunder harasses me. Water pours from my bare head all the way down to my spongy shoes. 

I used to love the rain. That was when I had a roof over my head. Now all I have is sky and misery.

Surprise House

The house hunter was intrigued by its description – “full of surprises”. She loved the bonus rooms and wonderful extras. Every turn led to new excitements. She put in an offer and was delighted when it was accepted and the keys were handed over.

The greatest surprise came a week later when the faulty wiring ignited.

A Bad Cake

The vampire baker looked at his cake in disgust. Darn! Another cake had failed to rise.

He scratched out part of the recipe and re-wrote it. Try doubling the eggs next time.

After all, blood is thicker than water.

(I also wrote this as a piece of Twitter Fiction here)

The Host

He carefully crafted the party invites, pared the guest list down to all his friends and family, and prepared for the big day. Hore D'oevres were made. The beach was groomed.

He watched the sea and waited for the first guest.

And waited.

And learned.

Hermit crab parties just don't work.

Blind Date

I met my wife during an alien abduction.

She had been through the experience many times and was very kind to me.

After I was returned she found me. We had lots in common and hit it off.

Soon we were dating.  

She doesn’t comment on my tiny eyes and I ignore her green skin.