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Home of the Shortest Stories Ever Told!

Fiction that fits in a Twitter post.

• McFoible decided that if he had to be buried up to his neck in quicksand,, he'd prefer not to be upside-down

• Sucking blood oranges, the vampires in the nursing home warned bored children about the perils of bad dental hygiene.

• How was I to know Lizzie was an axe wielding mass murderer when I asked to see her cleavage?





• Jimmie eagerly followed the path shown on the faded map, found the spot marked with a cross and discovered - the pirates' latrine.





• The only time we met she called me a childish idiot. I used her as a character reference. I'm applying to clown college.





• She knew he loved his Twitter, and this would be a cool status update. But could he just wait until after he said "I do"





• The fiends that kidnapped my bonsai oak have started to send me tiny acorns in the mail.





• Doctor Doolittle discovered why you never get between a mother bear and her cubs - when he tried to stop them arguing about bath time.





• Albert always wanted to live his life full throttle. He just didn't anticipate it ending with squealing brakes.

• The local news anchor is depressed. He took time to actually read the news rather than just read it out. Now he knows just what bad news is.

"It's no big deal" he told the boss."When I make a mistake no-one dies"."Yes said the boss."But that's not the point.You're an executioner"



• Uncle Al told me he was macarroned on a desert island. He said it was like being marooned, but he spent 6 months eating coconuts.





• During the funeral my phone chirped. People glared. If only I had looked! I’d have seen the text from the soon-to-be-cremated. “Let me out!”





• Haunted by a nagging thought that there was something he was meant to do today, surrounded by family wanting him to wake from the coma.





• "Anything to say before I pass sentence?” “Yes, M’Lud. By paying for bootleg DVDs with counterfeit cash I was merely an agent of karma”





• Martians do exist. They spent millennia perfecting camouflage, anticipating our attempts to invade their privacy. We are lousy neighbours





• Teachers said I'd never amount to anything. Classmates called me puny. Look at me now! In the news. On TV. On the FBI's most wanted list.





• I like the company and love the food. I think I'm having fun. But part of me is dreading the inevitable squabble over the bill.





• She smiled in her sleep. Dreaming that they would be together forever. He smiled through his day. Knowing they would be together forever.





• Through flu’s delirium I finally understand. As far as Mother Nature is concerned, humans are the virus. And she’s looking for the cure.





• He was a prison guard. She was visiting her incarcerated husband. They fell in love instantly and shared three to five great years together.





• The masked man robbed dozens of local banks - all on Thursdays. Apparently this is when the nursing home let him out to visit his family.





• A tiny seed on concrete. Does it even know it could become a tree? Provide food and shelter? The worst thing to waste is potential.





• You lend me your ears and offer me your heart. What I really need, though, is a kidney.





• The reason for the recent sewer backups has been announced. The pipes were clogged with thousands of flushed "Don't litter" leaflets.





• Haven't brushed my teeth for days. Stuffing mustard covered garlic in my mouth. Eating curry. Dentist today. Why shouldn't he suffer too?





• Our first date didn't go well. I wore my lucky cross, ordered the garlic bread.She stared at my neck all the time and had to be home by dawn





• Looking up from the keyboard she saw a blank screen. Nothing she had typed was there. Where do all those typed letters go? To feed the bugs?





• At 45 he started searching for his lost youth. In fast cars, younger women and new hair.He found only emptiness and lost everything-his wife





• The Vampire baker opened oven the door. Another flat cake. Try more flour next time. After all, blood is thicker than water.





• They say the Man On The Moon can see The Great Wall. What does he think? Marvelous Wonder or a scar on the planet's face?





• Every night she drew a heart in the sand. The waves washed it away leaving her heart broken. Her distant lover felt the pull of the tide.





• Peter was obviously having a sympathetic pregnancy. What was unclear was who he was most in sympathy with; his wife or his fiancé.





• Dear diary - he wrote - my Mum insists I fill you out. But I really have nothing to say. My life is filled with empty pages. Past and Future





• My new watch is an indestructible self-winding hunk of shockproof waterproof ultra-titanium. Within a week, though, I'll lose it somewhere.





• Al wondered if the irrational swing in the stock market would be up or down today as he decided whether or not to have butter on his toast.





• He always felt he was the insignificant part between his shadow and his reflection. In reality, though, he filled the void so well.





• "I'm down to my last few pennies" he said as he smoked my last cigarette and ate through my fridge. It was nice of him to let me join him.





• Beachcombing he found short messages in aspirin bottles. Were they stranded in Lilliput?

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